20201129 Emotional Driven

Being driven by emotional sucks..

Sometimes you feel like you don't want to do anything

Sometimes you are just tired of doing anything

Sometimes you are just sad to do anything

Sometimes you are scared to do something

Whatever it is, ended up nothing had been accomplished

No matter how strong i look outside and to other people, this is the only place i can vent about things and be "weak"

When will June arrive? I need it to come soon, but i am sure God wants me to learn from this. If He allows it to happen, I am sure He has a way for me.

Love you,  Jesus! 

20201116 Everyday is a brand new day

Everyday is a brand new day,  and everyday is a brand new headache... yes.. it's bizarre! Feels like a failure!

Meanwhile, PA city has another lockdown but its a lighter version

20201105 Nothing is certain but..

You can never be too certain on things but i have come to a conclusion that i will not be working under my current rotation manager after June 2021, and I really hope that it comes faster. These type of unexpected requests,  unknown expectation, lack of directions created a high stress environment for me and i am losing life/health for it. Since i am no longer moving to california i really dont need to be aggressive anymore and really just do what i enjoy doing.

But nothing is certain... mindset might change, keep our eyes open and never say never...

20201031 Post Rotation Thoughts

The chance of working for the same team after this rotation is getting slimmer and slimmer, not because i don't like the people, but the directions and path of this work. On top of leadership and direct mission experience, from a day to day level, i am definitely more interested in data related things which maybe is why i loved the old EO or the last position before ATLP. Also,  i am not getting the direction/guidance/training that i would like which increases my stresses and anxiety and requires me to "figure out everything" myself. Its all a good learning process but also a struggling process..

20201025 I can do all things

I can do all things thru Christ who Strengthens me!

Philippians 4:13

20201024 Extremely Overwhelmed from Work

It has been an extremely stressful week for me, on Monday night somehow I had a quick 1-2mins vague call with the manager to tell me about some engagement and the next day i was CCed in an email stating i would be the primary POC in charge of it. Then the only other thing i got from the manager was an email stating we should meet to discuss it. Long story short,  i received basically no direction, no training, and no further details on it. I had to dig thru everything to see if i can get some hint/info somewhere. This will hopefully end in mid feb.. Then yesterday(thursday), suddenly i was asked to coordinate a task out of nowhere and have a team of people with no experience, same thing, without any background or resources..how am i suppose to lead anything without any content? I am not the type of leader to say, "this is what we need so go figure it out yourself".. i like being able to provide them the info and resource they need in order to success, give them the direction they need instead of struggling thru stress.. this task will end in about a month....

Only 3.5 months into this rotation and i am still not enjoying.... i think i already know if i will continue working under current manager after this rotation, ugh when will this end? 

20200823 Vent about work

6 weeks had passed and still trying to settle into it. I know how to deal with it due to my past experiences but i just cant control my heart/feeling hence i just need a platform to vent. I do not need advice/comfort and i simply just want people to listen i guess. I don't think i enjoy what i am doing right now and i am not performing as well as i would like to so the best part is weeknights and weekends

20200813

Reminder to self~

Stay and hang on if it is good because you will never know what comes next. 

20200727

Praise God for allowing me to be with my wife. She's truly wonderful and the one i love so so much! Thank You Lord for allowing us to support one another, allowing us to stick with one another in the midst of all struggles.

We are all not perfect, we argue, get mad at each other and we drive each other insane but we both know that we can safely do all those because we love each other and we dont need to hide anything.

Work, in this new role(2 weeks in), is stressing me out. I feel like i am not performing and not doing a great job. As an ATLP, i am suppose to contribute, perform, and excel. It bothers me alot...

Maybe Ada is right,  i should just join EBS and take things easy? Weekends/down time havent felt so treasurable for so long and i didnt realize how good i had it....

I purposely wrote these down in order to capture this for the future....

Hang in there, Randy... for God is with you! Psalms 23! 

Mama(grandma) had just passed...

Mama(grandma) had just passed away about 3 hrs ago. Aunt had left me a whatsapp voice msg then my dad called me right away and i knew what was coming, i had a feeling...

So much are buried within me and i do not know what to say...

I can only have faith right now that thru the acceptance prayer i once did with her 10yrs ago when her mind was still clear that shes now with Christ... 

I remember how i told her that "i love you, ma ma" before i left hong kong in 2017