20210120 what am i thinking..

Had a headache all day and just wasn't in the mood...

Anyhow,  what the heck was i thinking last night? i actually applied to the it and have an interview on the 2nd. Tonight, maybe due to my mood, i really didnt think that i want to continue with it because i am so tired of this organization. I want to just stay in the isolated world and stay being an individual contributor.

Nothing makes me happy now and thats the problem.

Difficult conversation is still on going,  less stress than last week but it still didnt end yet. 

20210113 Difficult Conversation

Difficult conversation is always.. hard! Now i have to prepare for it... randy you have to read this in couple months and see what had actually happened..i know these are all part of my responsibility so i have to suck it up but it just sucks..

So they had posted a req for me in early dec, one of the sr mgr had just spoken with me about it yesterday and asked me to consider it. I had shared my concerns with him and he felt that they are workable, the team had also created another req today but i dont think i should apply to either... i dont think this environment will give me satisfaction even if i might be successful in it(just like now,  why is everyone giving me great feedback and i have a lot of visibility but yet i am sad/stressed/anxious all the time?) 

Starting in April, Texas job it is... but keeping an open mind, never say never

20210108 Post-Vacation Anxiety

2.3 weeks into my 2.5weeks vacation(Friday), I am already feeling anxious about work coming on the following Monday. Originally the vacation started really well where I took a trip to Vegas with my wife along with 2 other friends, I was able to not think about work that whole trip which was awesome. I truly am thankful for the trip and thinking back it was wonderful. Thank you Lord!

I really need to write down my feeling as i really don't want to forget it. Couple days ago I was suddenly considering working for my current rotation again or leadership role as the permanent placement and i am not sure what i was thinking. Had I forgotten the stress and uncertainty that it comes with? Had i forgotten the helplessness of things you cannot control and unlimited amount of work waiting to be executed? Ada shared that she just wanted a routine job and i definitely agree, something that you don't really need to think and even if its hard labor work it is something that is a lot less stressful.

... Lord, show us Your way.. please grant us peacefulness and ability from You...