far...

To go somewhere far where noone knows me and start everything new

20111219 Americanized..

Lord..
How am i supposed to be calmed at what is happening to her? being sexually harassed at work by customers and coworkers and she does absolutely nothing and thinking its normal and its just an american style of greeting/being friendly? i truly am disappointed.. disappointed that she doesn't even know how to protect herself and doesn't even feel the need to do so.. best of all.. she thinks its absolutely normal...

I truly can't control myself but laugh when she thinks i really don't understand and just being conservative..
1) i've grown up in an American society most of my life
2) for over 10years 99% of my friends are all american and non-asian
3) 98% of all my high school friends were attractive females so i know exactly how to act around them
4) i am a man who used to get different girls with different ways
5) i have good friends all over the world in different countries and cultures which i know different cultural greetings
6) i study a lot of manners/greetings/communication skills just because i've always been into it
7) i work in one of the biggest and top company in the world where they teach proper/real corporation standards and legal issues such as Sexual Harassment yearly so i know how 'real business person' or 'high class'/'educated' people should act like


so thinking i don't know/understand how people should act around people or i've just never seen the world/big scene just make me laugh..
..... this is definitely affecting me, affecting the relationship.. affecting my trust towards her..
Lord.. please help me.. i really don't know what to do since i don't want to force her to change.. so please change her for me Lord.. i don't want to offend her, her job, her coworkers, her customers.. but this is really changing my views on all of them... isn't D******** supposed to be a high class restaurant with 'proper' customers?


Ask yourself this and truthfully think about it... "if you truly understands and agree with what i say/think, why would you ask me what i want you to do?" since you would already know what you should do..
you say that you love me and will do all that i want you to do only means you don't understand/nor agree with it and just doing what i tell you to do which is a type of controlling....

感激我遇見

我真係好愛好愛你...多謝你,我親愛嘅老婆 <3

Heartache 心隱

"一個願打,一個願捱" is a chinese expression that means "2 people are a perfect match when one loves being hit and the other loves hitting"

Who am i to say anything if one loves calling and the other is encouraging it by not doing/saying anything? Other than alil angry, i guess i am mostly disappointed. But what do i think i should do? I will trust her handling it nicely...

Currently in a real bad mood, something is up my chest putting saddness in me. Is it because of this roger situation? Or is it school? Or simply because im not relying on God with my life?

I extremely want to curse..

I think i have failed my final, i think my semester is doomed, and i think i have to pay for this semester.. im thinking about giving up again...
I hate this..... my mind is currently messed up and really want to curse...

Satisfied in life

My coworker, Helen, just came back from her 3-weeks vacation from Burma and she shared some of her great experiences with me in which helped her reflect on how lucky and how grateful/thankful we should be for living in the states. In usa, we have soo soo much opportunities, we have job, place to live, car to drive, food to eat where in some other parts of the world is totally different... they cant even think about if there are better lives out there in another world because thats where they are stuck..... yea, another thing to be thankful for.... praise the Lord

Thankful for Courage

Im just so proud of my baby... today she finally took this important step of her life.

The top#1 that i need and want to thank is my Abba-Father! Lord You are amazing and You are the only One who is worth all praises. You have kept Your promises to carry our burdens. You have listened closely to our prayers only because we are Your children that You love so dearly. You are our shepherd who protects us and leads us to a fruitful field. You have granted Ada wisdom and the courage to speak what is good and righteous. You have prepared Roger's ear, mind, and heart to accept the facts. Lord i praise You, i thank You, i need You for You are my God and the only One we need. Lord You are just too amazing....

Something that i dont understand in a sense, is that...does anyone has any rights at all to say "he should watch out if he doesnt treat you right" while he himself was actually the one who hurt the girl real bad and also who gave up on the relationship previously? I just dont get that kind of mentality. But i am thankful that he gave up or else i wouldnt have the sweetest baby in the world with me...

From now on it starts.... dec 9,2011... is our whole new beginning!! Ada u have nothing to worry about from now on... for you have me.. who is willing to take care of you for the rest of the time God allows me to live...

Grateful

I praise God for being able to be with her...
I thank God for giving me a clear sight to be able to see myself marrying her..
I give thanks to my God for letting me know how much i love her...

Yes.. i can't wait to experience life with her.. when 2 becomes 1...

I love you, Ada.. and I love you with all of my heart...

......

Sometimes i wonder what i should do.. how i should feel..
I am totally not in control and i don't know how I should handle this..

I just find it real hard to be angry because i love her so much..

Love..actually

I really love her alot.... thank You Lord....

I can't stop being excited to experience everything in my whole life with her...

Weakness...

Being insecured had always been my biggest weakness in a romance relationship, maybe its due to the fact that im not having enough self-confidence? Or its what i had experienced before which changed me?
Truthfully, im really really thankful to be with her whom i love and care for so much. But what can i do in order to be more confident? I trust her being faithful and also would solely focus in me but somehow i still feel the insecurity....

Yup.... thats my weakness.. thats a reminder that im so imperfect.... thats why i need Jesus...
The Lord will be my judge, He is in control, and all i can do is to lean on Him, rely on Him, trust in Him...He is my Lord my God my Abba-Father

Feeling blue...

Currently a little confused with myself.... i feel lost in this kind of situation... the brokeness/blockage between me and my friends is "reputation"... i care about what other strangers view me/us(chinese) so since i was young i have developed a personality/action that is more universal... all kinds of manners and etc now comes out naturally from me and most of the time i expect my friends to have the right manner at the right place(be as loud as u want if you are in a low end place and talk softer/quieter if you are in a high end restaurant) but i guess these are all invisible pressures that i give to others.....
"Am i really wrong?" is a question i've been asking myself over and over again... theres a phrase in chinese that says "work when you work, play when you play"... which also means to do the right/appropriate thing at the right time... is this really a bad thing to have as my standard? I mean i can answer myself to that.... as long as i dont force that standard to others then im ok..... i totally understand... and i feel that i dont..... but the fact is(from what i hear) is that i DO silently.... my attitude or the feelings i show to others made them feel like im pressuring them...
So what can i do now? Im still asking myself.... instead of changing others i should change myself? Or i just have been hanging out with the wrong crowd?(they are too young?)
As im typing this i do feel like im just hanging out with the wrong crowd because i have never experience this with people that are over 40?
Ugh.... but what does that make me? Im only 28....

Lately i also feel pressured from being in a group of church people, i have been in church long enough to understand we are all sinners and church is basically a home for all sinners so sins, etc are normal..... but i just cant stand others being judgemental instead of caring..which disgusted me the most... everyone truly have their weaknesses and struggles but thats where/when we need supports/understanding/encouragements...
Thats mostly what i cannot stand about church... God is definitely great but i would love to not have pressures in my Aba-Father's home...

reality

Sometimes its really scary seeing the real side of other people....

Survival..

Here is something that i really would love to have:

Its called "Bear Grylls Survival Series Ultimate Knife, Serrated Edge" by Gerber which could be found cheaper on Amazon.com... Reason I think this is useful is that I still think one day God will put me or everyone in a situation where IT doesn't matter, or business knowledge is no longer needed and all there is would be the survival skills we need in the wild. I guess that is what really got me into learning how to start fires, and other survival skills that I might need... This set is VERY useful where it contains a high quality knife, fire starter, and a whistler so they're really what we need if we're left into an isolated island...

anyhow.. I am in an very unstable mindset right now.. this house pisses me off and I really would love to move out asap...
Pressures... I think everything contains pressures but sometimes we just have some holdbacks where we can't get away...
1) Classes were pressuring me but I wanted to get the degree
2) Living here pressures me but I want to save up money....

Thoughts of the moment: I am so fragile without God...

Irene aftermath

After Hurricane Irene left East Coast things started to come up~
1) Our front yard soil sank about an inch or 2... which led to our walkway to sink also.
2) We realized that there are couple water spots in the living room carpet

Currently I am still thinking what I should do after 2 days.

On Monday i saw an interesting post from Courier Post which they asked readers to submit their experiences with Irene... like tell them what we were doing during Hurricane.. so I actually took the chance to write to them.. hahaha
so here it goes(this is what i did also):
"I just saw the post from Courier Post, and I thought it's pretty interesting that the post is asking about our story that night. So here it goes....
My name is Randy, and I lived in Cherry Hill, NJ(East side). Requested by a friend, I went to their apartment(Near City Ave, PA) early Saturday morning to help them move into their new house before the Hurricane hits. We spent half of afternoon moving things from old appt into the new house and the other half of afternoon cleaning in the new house.
Rain started to come down heavily around 5:30pm and we had to drop a friend back to her Northeast home so we fought against the hard rain on Rt 1. We managed to got her home and also went to an asian super market near Adam's Ave(That was the only place that opened) to buy some food for our Hot Pot party.
We arrived back to the new house safe at 7pm and bunch of us just played Mahjong then had our hotpot dinner until 10:45pm.
Before I left my friend's house i called Ben Franklin Bridge to make sure they were still opened, and I began to drive home. The ride back home was quite a journey for me since I saw 2 trees that were down blocking some parts of road or highway(rt 76) and 10mins before i got home on Rt 70(passed intersection of 295) I've noticed power outage the whole way, all traffic lights and street lights were totally off so i was driving in total darkness. I got home around 11:30pm and took a shower with a flashlight then went straight to bed.(power came back on at 10:25am the next day-13hrs outage since it started around 9pm)
Attached is a pic that i took outside with night view on my camera..it was still too dark."

Hope you guys enjoy reading this!

Balancing Work and Life

"Balancing work and personal life" was from one of our VP's speech today. She came over to our site to share with us on how we could all enjoy life in the midst of our crazy work schedule.
"What do you enjoy doing? What relaxes you? What are your hobbies?" all of these easy yet unanswerable questions...
The reason why it was so hard for me to answer is because I really do enjoy everything... I enjoy down/self-isolated times as much as I enjoy active/group-gathering times...I love spending time in church and I love hanging out/fellowshipping with all of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I am also a person that loves to try anything and loves to learn anything so even if I haven't done something before(ie. Skiing), I can still say that I enjoy doing those....

What caught my eyes about the VP today is that I can really see her passion... I can tell that she is definitely a good leader from her speaking tone, passions, and encourage attitudes... She really cares a lot about her employees(People directly under her)... I can't help but to compare her with my current direct manager who I barely see, talk to, knows about. hahah oh well...

But yea.. one thing she said today was "Prioritizing is important, Enjoy life...things like chores can wait and they're not important... also we are all going to work for the rest of our lives until the day we decide not to so work is always going to be there that's why we shouldn't put work as our priority."
A lot of things she said was real true.. and I really like her..

Roots of Pressures

I've been asking myself over and over again... "What really is my priority in life? Should I keep wasting my time on my studies and not enjoying the fellowship times with Brothers and Sisters or even enjoying life??"... What triggered my mind to think that way is really from my progress in seeking for Master's Degree and plus the fact that I've received a C+ this semester which means that I'd have to pay out of my pocket($3000+). As materials are getting tougher and pressuring, I often ask myself.. "What if life ends next month?? then will all of these hard works go in vain??" I am going for something that I don't really care about.. something that I really do not 'need'.. something that is only nice to have but yet it takes over all of my time, it gives me tons of pressures, and puts me in a depression mode. Although to a certain extent, this is really true... but what keeps me going are these reasons:
1) If I give up on this degree then I "might" regret in the future, but if I keep going I will never regret about having the degree and the hard work.(I will probably be proud of it. **Note-not in a conceited way)
2) Company is paying most of it, at least 80% of it.(that's if I do real well from now on)
3) God had definitely opened up all the doors for me in this path.
4) Even if world ends or if I die early, God still wants me to try my best in achieving something in life. God doesn't look at the results as I do but He looks at the process and efforts I've given.
5) I think this could be a great testimony and by leaning on Him while I finish this degree it pleases Him which means I am walking in His Will.

Overall, I think all of my pressures come from the mindset of "Needing to pay for it if I do not get a 'B' for the class"... that is correct that if I get a B then the company would pay for it for me, but if I just simply change my mindset into thinking that I am willing to pay regardless then the pressure would be gone.

Is money really an issue if I am forced to pay for the whole degree? No, not really, I can afford it but I just don't want to since I am saving up money, and looking to save up $120k in 4 yrs for down payment on a $600k house that I might get if God allows. But I should not limit myself/God with that thought, I will get whatever house God allows me to get at the time with whatever $$ He allows me to save in this 4-5yrs. God knows me the best... He knows exactly if I needed that house, He'll let me know if I will be single or married, and He'll even let me know if I will have kids. Who needs a big house when they're single or if they do not have kids??

My Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Amen..

PS- watched "Rising of the Apes" with ManMan & Dicky tonight.

Earthquake...

Today was a memorable day... NJ(eastcoast) finally got hit with a 5.8m earthquake at 1:50pm.
I was actually in front of my computer doing some stuffs in my cube and all of sudden i felt dizzy.. the table and ground started to shake... i wondered if it was caused by the reconstruction of my work building right outside. But after 5sec I got up and saw the windows/ceilings were all shaking also, i quickly went to my supervisor(Mark), and said "Mark, I think there's an earthquake!!". During that time i was still doubting myself and he all of sudden told the people on his phone(he was on a conference call) that we're getting hit with an earthquake then i quickly said "oh maybe im wrong..." but he replied me with "no i really think it was an earthquake since it happened about 15yrs ago". It was that time that i realized that it probably was happening... so i told him "i don't know about you, but i'm going out of the building, i ain't staying here".... ended up the whole building felt it and everyone evacuated.

It really was unexpected... it helped me realized time IS really getting closer and closer.. East Coast barely have any earthquakes and it happened today Aug 23, 2011. I look forward in Jesus's coming, but it really made me reflect on myself... how am i doing in God's eye? How's my relationship with Him? How sinful i really am with all the sins I have...?

May God forgive me and renew me everyday.. May I be like Him..
Our Lord is coming back soon.. noone knows when.. but its definitely near..

This is my 2nd time experiencing Earthquake.. 1st time was in HK probably 20yrs ago when i was still in elementary school...

Another Hea-Day of Randy~

I've been on a Facebook diet for straight 6 days now, and I feel that I'm still not really used to it. Somehow I feel like I'm lost in space since Facebook used to keep me organized, and made me aware of all that are going on around me. As much as I want to just log in just to see my schedule of events, I am sure that I can live without Facebook, lol.

I actually did not-a-thing today while I was off on a Saturday. I didn't go to Enoch Fellowship, and I didn't go anywhere. I just stayed home and watched some shows/2 movies. I know I know... I really should do something exciting or read/pray instead of wasting my down time from work/school.

Class is starting up again after labor day~ 2 more weeks left...

Today i felt really lonely.. one of those days that my heart/mind are bugging me to really have a family.. or I just think that I really miss Jessica today.
hahahahha... enough about my feelings~

Our 1st Gun Shooting Day~

There are a lot of different "First Time"s in life, and today I was actually really excited to have a chance to try something new which once again broaden my eyes. With I&T(DaiDaiDaiLo Terrence & DaiDaiDaiSo Ingrid)'s invitation, we went to a shooting range as our D-Group(Depression) field trip.
They originally thought that I was off today(I'm off every other Fridays), so they were hoping to go in the afternoon, but ended up Tsu called me in the morning and found that I was in office working so we changed our plan a little bit. They ended up going on a lil date to have DimSum lunch in Ctown and we met at 4:30pm in Ctown after I got off work then we drove straight there.
We went to a place called "TargetMaster" in the borderline of PA near Delaware, and as soon as we went in we saw tons of specimen(Deer, Fox, Bear, Croc, etc) which kinda got me more excited,lol. As all 3 of us are first-timers, we really didn't know what to do next so we went up to the counter and asked for more info on how we could just do shooting range. At first we thought we couldn't do it since we all didn't have any license but Tsu told them that he had experiences using gun(Tsu is currently a reserved Navy) so we were able to go in and shoot around. We got a lane for an hour then rented a .22 gun since we wanted a small gun that barely had any recoil(for Grid) and a 100round ammo. I must say it was REAL loud in there... it was extremely packed and I saw couple of "professionals" there. Some people were using machine gun which was just WOW and loud..REAL loud, hahaha... anyhow... below are pics of our results.. we got one board together...


Really... it was not bad at all as our first time... hahah cool day~

Changes...

So much had happened since Oct 2006.....

1) I've gotten into Rowan University
2) I've traveled to Korea for 2 weeks
3) I've won 2nd in National Chinese Singing Contest 2007
4) I've graduated from Rowan University
5) I've gotten into Lockheed Martin- one of top Defense Contracting Corp worldwide
6) I've gotten into Boston University for my Master's
7)  I've gotten a deeper relationship with Christ my Lord

all of those above are solely from God's grace and mercy... deep-down inside me i know i totally do not deserve all of it... for a guy that is so imperfect in so many ways... for a guy that is sooo weak in things... for a guy that is really not smart at all... i know.. i know it all were granted by my Jesus Christ and i totally do not deserve any of that...